4 – What do I do

Once again, I found all the habitual enjoyments and everything I am doing or plan to do in near term as completely inconsequential.

I am blank again. I do not know what is right and what is wrong. I feel suffocating. I do not know what to do. My mind is no more working. O God, save me from this death. I do not want to die. God, help me. But does God actually exist? Whom am I praying to? I am all alone?

Where have I got trapped? If death was so certain, why the hell did I take birth in first place? Where was I before by date of birth or nine months before that? Everything is so fraudulent! Every theory is full of only loopholes! All religions are hoax! They claim solution to this problem and fool people. But how can they be true? If Quran is true, Bible and Geeta cannot be true. If Geeta is true, Purans and Quran and Bible cannot be true. If God exists, modern science cannot be true. If earth is round, Bible and Quran have to be false. But earth is proven to be round. All of Bible, Quran, Purans have glaring contradictions within themselves and between themselves. Many of their theories have been proven wrong. How can I believe them then?

But even modern science is fraud.  If modern science has to be true, it should tell me who is feeling this blankness right now and having this confusion? And if it is indeed true, then also there is no solution. I am bound for a miserable end into zero.

Everything is a hoax, I am trapped, I do not know what to do. But I do not want to die. I have to escape death. But how do I do it? Everyone seems to be fooling me by making tall promises of what will happen after I die. No one is able to give any evidence or logic for today. They tell me to believe and not question. If that be so, why mind has the capacity to analyse? Everyone seems to be fooling everyone else. But that’s least of my concern. I just want to escape this brutal death.

Even if I escape it for some years, it will still come. Even if I live for thousands of year, still time of death will come. In few million years, even sun and earth will be destroyed. So I have to die then for sure, even if I escape death now somehow. There is only a solution, if at all, to postpone it. But there is no permanent solution to get completely rid of it. Nothing except that permanent solution will help me. Or else I will be blank forever..dead forever. No more sensations, feelings, consciousness, thinking, imagination going in the mind. No more memories, no more will I know what is happening. And that will continue forever. For billions of years..trillions of years.. and even more…I shall never live again, feel again, think again ever.

This is killing me. I want to get rid of this fear. What do I do? Let me distract myself.

I went out of the room, came down on the street, roamed about and came back. Then I opened a book. I felt better. Now that desperate suffocating feeling was no more. I still had memories of the bout, but I was now more in tune with my immediate world and feeling comfortable. The feeling of suffocation was no more. But I knew, this was only a postponement and not a solution. The bout will come back sooner or later.

I realized how the entire world is in a way busy in all sorts of things to either pre-empt or distract themselves from this bout. Just as I took a stroll, or read a book, someone would immerse in loud music, or pornography, or socializing, or depression, or anything and everything. No one knows what the purpose of their actions and passions are. Its merely an avoidance reaction to this bout. That’s how the whole world is running. Some get so used to pre-empting it that they perhaps never have the bout. They equip themselves in multifarious activities, but ask them why they do what they do, and they will have no clear answer. We are living in a world of utter confusion, even the most intelligent do not know why they are doing what they do, why they are living, what life is all about. Suddenly all the intelligence of the world also appeared as completely phony and hollow to me.

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